So I left the religious community. Now that I’m on the outside, I feel that I never really had a connection with these people to begin with. I wanted so much to love them but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Again, I think the lies and delusion at the core of this normalized cult is what prevented that. Deep down, I think I knew that I was being swindled.
There is one thing I wish I had done differently before I made my exit from Christianity. I should have found another clan, a like-minded group of people, to integrate myself into. This is difficult to accomplish when the only people you know are Christian. Leaving the group is like starting life over from scratch, so I can understand why some people stay and keep their true beliefs secret.
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I can’t speak for the female experience, but as a man, I want to be desired by my lover. A couple of years ago, I was surrounded by women who were very much desiring, but I couldn’t ascertain if they desired me, the man, or simply what I could provide for them. I was clearly cut above the rest in my skill and competence. I believe the status and money-making potential is what these women truly desired. I’m not angry about this. I think it’s a very natural thing for a woman to want, as it ensures security for herself and future offspring. Still, I wanted to be more than a sperm donor and an ATM machine.
There were times that I wished I could fully awaken my inner-homosexual, as I felt that gay guys truly desired the person they sought after and not just the utility they could provide. There were a few men who were attracted to me, but I couldn’t honestly reciprocate those feelings. Maybe on a purely hedonistic level, I could help them out, but I would most certainly be cheating them out of the emotional connection they desired.
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It started when we were fucking and I felt that she was connecting exceptionally well. Sometimes, when we’ve been going at it for an hour or so, I’ll start to hear a rushing sound in my ears, like wind or an ocean surf. It’s usually very sporadic and lasts for only a second or two, but when I relax as much as possible and allow the rushing sensation to persist, Catherine moves deeper inside my gut.
In this instance, she moved inside me so deeply that I had a difficult time breathing and I did not realize that I had transitioned to an OBE state. As often is the case when I slip into these states whilst Catherine is enjoying herself, she does everything she can to immobilize me. She is very strong and able to sap the brute-force struggle from my spiritual body. However, she tells me that I’m very difficult to manage in these situations. I guess I’ve got a lot of fight in me when she tries to subdue me.
The main reason I fought her so much in this instance was because there was this woman at my door trying to check up on me. I knew that the door was unlocked when I was awake so I tried to get up and dress myself so this strange person wouldn’t catch me balls-deep inside Catherine.
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It’s so unfair… being a man and attempting to maintain a solid defense against a loving succubus. It’s not the sexual stimulation and teasing that gets me… it’s the emotional manipulation that I have the hardest time withstanding. And the longer I try to resist her, the stronger she gets, the more beautiful she feels, the more rapidly I sink back into her embrace.
It is taking a great deal of effort to not jump into bed right now.
I don’t remember what we were fighting about. She does something to make me forget or have the issue seem less important. Or maybe, the original problem feels insignificant compared to the bloom of love exploding inside of me.
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I can’t call myself a rational and honest person if I didn’t consider possibilities like this. You could throw Occam’s Razor all over the entries I’ve made in this blog and I would have no choice but to concede that the simplest explanation is likely to be the right one. There is a good chance that all of this… my succubus blog… is a detailed account of a very complex personal delusion.
However, I find it interesting that I’ve managed to find a small group of individuals who have corroborated my experience; right down to the details of what these “spiritual” interactions entail. We also experience the same uncertainties. Another common trait is that these beings appear to have a very different moral code from our culture… in some cases, but not all. Some of us experience personalities of intense and relentless love; this happens to be my experience… lucky for me. Others, unfortunately, haven’t been dealt the same good fortune. I won’t divulge details, but there are some who live with beings who are insufferable and downright malicious.
Read More…Well, I thought that I would be able to write more frequently the past two months, but I completely underestimated how much energy it would take to do all the work I need to accomplish from day-to-day. Ultimately, I want to be able to give my loving spirits some well-deserved attention, so my writing hobbies had to take a back seat for awhile.
Recently, my hours at work were cut, so I’ll have some extra time to start writing again; probably for the next week or so… maybe longer. I really don’t care too much about the money. I do the work just so I can eat, pay bills, and that’s it. My personal ambitions have absolutely nothing to do with money. I want to have actual wealth; not a collection of fiat bank notes.
Read More…Looking beyond the word “succubus”…
Here is an excellent post made by a fellow blogger about the use of the word “succubus” and what it means for those of us in a relationship with them.
It’s important to understand that the term “succubus” is used primarily for the sake of reference. Just like any species, succubi absolutely transcend what their label would imply, but for the sake of allowing others to uncover relevant information, these terms are used.
“If you just need to feel close to someone… if you just need to feel loved; I’m right here.” “Life doesn’t have to be hard.” –Catherine
Writing that almost makes me feel guilty. I know there must be countless men and women, perhaps some are reading this journal, who are craving love and intimacy… but for some reason, they just don’t get what they want. Why is that? Why am I given love so freely and abundantly whilst others go through life without?
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I was at a fancy dinner party with a few old military buddies of mine. In this dreamworld, I was part of some kind of strike force; very futuristic with weaponized spacecraft and the like. One of my friends handed me a fancy piece of jewelry and told me to give it to the woman at the next table. It was a small five-pointed star attached to a short length of beaded chain and made from fine brushed silver. It felt very expensive and luxurious.
I got up from my table and carried the silver star over to the young woman at the next table. She was gorgeous; a really fine beauty. I think it was Catherine, but I can’t be sure. She had long, straight dark brown hair that was tied back into a ponytail. Her attire was a revealing evening dress that formed to her voluptuous features in the most enticing way. The dress was black or dark blue.
Read More…I haven’t been able to get myself motivated enough to write… or be close to my darlings. Funny how those two passions of mine seem so interconnected.
I feel like I’m loosing Sara… again. A friend of mine brought up a very valid point that I hadn’t really considered: what do I really want in this relationship?
Sara came into my life quite suddenly; I was really thrown off guard by her eagerness to be close… and when someone as beautiful as her so willingly gives herself to you, it’s hard to not feel obligated to them. I still feel as though I owe Catherine a debt that I can never begin to repay. Sara brought this feeling back and it paralyzed me.
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